Comments and Personal Stories

A Husband’s Story

My wife and I have been married for thirty-four years and we have worked together to raise two wonderful adult daughters. Many people have told us we represent an ideal family, and I consider myself a fortunate man to have such a family. This is the account of my experience of living with female sexual dysfunction and its effect on me. A part of me is reluctant to describe this because my wife is truly one of the kindest and most caring people I know, and I am well aware that other men may have reacted differently in similar circumstances.

For the first thirty years of our marriage, we struggled with the effects of what is now known as FSD. In the last few years, we have learned this dysfunction was caused by a lifelong hormonal imbalance that seriously affected not only sexual function but also the perception of oneself as a sexual person.

From the time I became physically mature my sexual longings focused on giving pleasure to a woman, especially bringing her to orgasm in one way or another. I longed for emotional connection as well and could never relate to men who just wanted to have sexual “conquests”. I deeply desired that I would find a woman with the same desire and that our marriage would include a passionate sexual union.

When my future wife and I began dating seriously, it became clear that sexual awareness was something that did not exist for her, except as something vaguely negative, and this caused me considerable worry. My concerns came to a head when she made a comment that led to a frank and open discussion. I was concerned enough to try to seek help, but was rebuffed by a pastor/counselor whom I approached. (In retrospect I realize he was simply too embarrassed to talk about sex).

Unfortunately, the encounter with him left me feeling I had no right to entertain expectations for a sexual relationship.

In spite of my misgivings, I loved my fiancée and remained convinced we should marry. I put my sexual expectations on hold and chose to believe her lack of desire was something that could be “fixed” later. It is clear from our correspondence that I had no idea there was such a thing as a physical cause for no sexual desire, and I assumed it was probably caused by some emotional trauma or negative influence.

A year or so after our wedding I decided it was time to approach the issue of our lack of sexual connection and spoke directly to her about my frustration. I brought home books, asked that she speak with female friends and suggested counseling. I did not succeed with this approach, and every couple of years or so I would again speak frankly to her about my desires and ask that we seek help. In retrospect, we both realize now that she had not developed a “sexual self” and had no way of understanding what I was attempting to communicate. (She has recently described herself by using the analogy of a person who is born blind and in her youth never spoken to anyone about sight. How would she know what it means to see?)

I now realize that I made many mistakes along the way. I did not do a very good job of clarifying, for myself, what the underlying problem was. At a conscious level, I knew it had nothing to do with me, but at an emotional level I received it as a deep, personal rejection. I did, however, manage to keep my pain mostly to myself so that it did not negatively affect our family environment.

Eventually I decided that I needed to change myself in order that I could live peacefully in our marriage, and so I set about the task of becoming as much of an asexual person as I could in an attempt to reduce my stress. Surprisingly, this worked better than previous attempts for maintaining inner peace, and I remained in that mode for about thirteen years.

Ultimately, however, that was not a healthy choice, and I came to a place of feeling completely undesirable; I believed no woman could possibly desire me. In the process of trying to repress all my sexual urges and thoughts, I slowly came to despise my own basic nature, and that eventually contributed to depression.

Meanwhile, my wife stopped menstruating at an early age and after a few years her doctor suggested she use Prempro to lessen the probability of osteoporosis. During the following year she noticed a bit of sexual arousal that caught us both by surprise. A new thought occurred to us – maybe her lack of interest and desire had something to do with hormones! I decided to reopen the question of a sexual relationship, in spite of a fear of awakening all the old emotional pain, and started to do some research. I discovered that although it is rare for a woman to respond favorably to an estrogen-based HRT like Prempro®, healthy hormone levels are a key component in sexual interest and response. Now my wife was intrigued as well, because she had felt something in her own body.

One search led to another, and we found ourselves in the office of one of the foremost experts in sexual medicine at Boston University. It was a relief for both of us to have confirmed by this person of authority that what we had experienced all these years was the result of a significant hormonal imbalance, most likely caused by an enzyme deficiency present from before birth.

What a pleasant change the last two years have brought! The therapy prescribed for my wife, topical AndrolGel® and Vagifem®, has made a dramatic difference in her sexual response as well as for our sexual relationship. In the last year or so she has even become orgasmic with the help of her trusty Magic Wand. That is not a small accomplishment! I am truly thankful for my wife’s willingness to undertake this challenging journey of discovery, and I would strongly encourage other couples who relate to this story to seek out competent medical help.

This is a personal story from the Women’s Sexual Health Journal, Vol. II, November 2004. The Women’s Sexual Health Journal is available online through a TWSHF membership. For membership information go to:
http://www.twshf.org/membership.html