Comments and Personal Stories

A Woman's Story: Loss of Innocence

I remember the "first time." I was deeply in love and glad I waited till I was 21 and finally in the arms of the perfect man. He was my hero, a helicopter pilot in Viet Nam, whom I met through correspondence, never imagining that he had grown up only six blocks away from me. He was "the cutest thing going" and I made him "the happiest man east of the Mississippi."

I recall the ecstasy of our first sexual encounter; our romantic trip to Puerto Rico together to share in our roots. And the disappointment that I felt when I told him that I was pregnant. It wasn't his response, but the lack of it that worried me.

I had grown up in a very close-knit, Catholic family and was aware that my pregnancy would make me an outcast in my family's eyes. It was the early 70's and unwed mothers were looked down upon, rather than admired for their courage, as they should be today. Abortions had just become legal in New York State, and it seemed the only alternative.

How I wish I had been brave, but at the time, it seemed to be the best decision I could make. I didn't want to burden my boyfriend, who was dealing with so many post-war issues, with the additional charge of supporting a child. The understanding counselor at Planned Parenthood agreed with me that "the timing was not right" and that, with luck, I would go on to have other children.

Five minutes before my scheduled appointment, he balked and asked me to marry him. Somehow, it didn't seem like the right reason to want to marry me: because I was pregnant. I wanted him to say that he loved me and didn't want me to go through with it. But he didn't and I went ahead reluctantly with my original plans.

I thought that I would be "okay" with my choice, that it was a simple procedure, an easy way out of a bad situation, but it wasn't. It was a terrifying and excruciating painful ordeal. Nor was I prepared to deal with the loss of a child. For years, I could not see a mother with her child without feeling an extreme loss. Even now, so many decades later, I often stop to wonder how old my first child would have been, what he or she would have looked like, the grandchildren that I've missed.

I was fortunate, in that my boyfriend eventually did marry me and we did go on to have a child. But if that hadn't happened, I know that I would still be very bitter. And in a way, I am. I never again felt the pleasure of sex that I felt "the first time." Perhaps the feeling was associated with too much pain. Perhaps I am afraid to ever be as vulnerable again. But I have never had the pleasure of an orgasm while having sex since.

I never even considered it unusual, until I began reading the brochures published by The Women's Sexual Health Foundation. I only realize now that I have missed out on an important aspect of my life. And I have since remarried. I can't imagine how my lack of sexual response has impacted our marriage.

In the next few weeks, I hope to have the courage to talk to my doctor about it and perhaps begin my journey back to the hopeful, trusting girl I once was.

- Anonymous