Comments and Personal Stories

Vaginismus: A Woman’s Story

I first realized I had primary vaginismus about six weeks before I got married. I was idly leafing through a medical dictionary, fell upon a description of vaginismus, and realized that I probably had the condition. My immediate reaction was to inform my fiancé, who told me he wanted to marry me “any way he could get (me).” I then consulted with three other people for a second opinion: first, the church pastor’s wife, who also was in charge of the church counseling program. She largely viewed my vaginismus as the result of some sort of unidentified spiritual curse. We prayed together about things, and I was then referred to another Christian counselor with an international ministry. This lady told me I should get a vibrator and read books such as The Joy of Sex. I was also told to get further Christian counseling. My third consultation was with a sex therapist who was well viewed in the local medical community. None of the three advised against marriage, or suggested delaying it. So, as I thought my vaginismus would be largely dealt with after a month or so of marriage, my fiancé and I went ahead and got married.

Nobody, and none of the literature I read, suggested it would take three years of hard work for me to be able to consummate my marriage. I wish, in retrospect, I had been better informed. But, up to then, I had no private access to the internet. We were all totally ignorant about the condition. I was sexually inexperienced prior to marriage because of my Christian convictions. However, I was aware that it was somewhat abnormal not to be able to insert tampons, or to be unable to tolerate being internally examined by a physician. Today, I look back and see further tell-tale signs: cringing when I saw animals copulating, because I viewed the experience as being painful for the female of the species.

My husband and I attempted intercourse several times during the honeymoon, but penetration was impossible. The penis just wouldn’t go in! My husband was wonderful about it, and insisted we enjoy the honeymoon regardless. I vowed to start sex therapy as soon as I got home. There was a waiting period of several months before we could start the sex therapy. Meanwhile, I managed to get one consultation, during which I was advised to do Kegel exercises in the intervening period.

About six months after we got married, we started weekly counseling sessions with the sex therapist. Her approach was a combination of relationship counseling and sex therapy. We found a small portion of the sex therapy very helpful, but all the relationship counseling counterproductive. I should add that I also had non-existent libido, and I was prescribed sensate-focus exercises for that complaint, with zero success. However, after a year or so of doing Kegel exercises, and getting accustomed to touching my vulva, I reached the point where I was able to insert a finger up to the second knuckle and then, not too long after, all the way in.

Meanwhile, however, all was not well. The relationship component of the counseling sessions, and the treatment directed at improving my libido, were causing both the sex therapist and us some considerable frustration. One day, to our surprise, the therapist announced she felt she couldn’t continue therapy with us any more. My husband was devastated, and pleaded with her to continue, but she said she felt I was in need of extensive long-term counseling, before I could make any progress on the libido or vaginismus fronts. As she was the expert, we deferred to her greater wisdom, and obediently trotted off to one of the best counseling services we could find in the state.

Once again, there was a waiting period (best part of a year), and in the intervening period, members of the leadership of the church I was in took an interest in my case, and I was severely reprimanded by several of them (or their wives) for the “lack of submission” that summed up, in their view, the entire raison d’etre for my vaginismus. Other church leaders were more sympathetic, and gently prayed with me, but the prayer sessions turned into full-blown attempts at “exorcising” me. I obediently tolerated the shouting, and what I now view as the insults, trying my level best to get healed of vaginismus. When I wasn’t cured, I was considered “intractably unsubmissive.”

The counseling service advised me, after about three months of counseling, not to present for any more sessions, as I had done well in the counseling, and they didn’t feel I had further need of any counseling. One of the counselors was a female Christian, and she also concluded I needed to submit to my husband and that my being healed of vaginismus was largely a matter of will. I tried, and tried and tried to will my way out of vaginismus, but still the penis wouldn’t go in!

At this point, my husband and I felt that counseling had failed us, both on the vaginismus front, and on the libido front. We purchased a computer, and, through the internet, we started doing our own research. I read about testosterone therapy, and did some research into gynecological therapy, and decided to give both a try. My libido problem was solved after four weeks of testosterone therapy, following tests which showed my levels were below normal. I was able to have intercourse after four and a half months of physical therapy, and I have had intercourse many times since. I still find it painful on occasion, and still need to do dilation exercises in advance, but I have come a long way!

My number one tip to women with primary vaginismus is: become active members of a vaginismus support group.

NOTE

To join a support group for women with vaginismus you may go to:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/vaginismus/

To join a support group for vaginismus that is open to everyone, including healthcare professionals, go to:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/1vaginismus/

This is a personal story from the Women’s Sexual Health Journal, Vol. III, January 2005. The Women’s Sexual Health Journal is available online through a TWSHF membership. For membership information go to:
http://www.twshf.org/membership.html